i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Help me help you realize you are a moron
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
Randomize
