My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
