hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize