my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
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