So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
I just gift wrapped bread.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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