i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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