I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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