Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
