____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
I think I won the penis lottery.
I couldn't sleep so I drunk ellipticaled for an hour. Worst. Idea. Ever.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Thats alot of pressure.
Just on your vagina. BTW I'm passing your house.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
