im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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