Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Okay but look at his jawline. I NEED TO RIDE IT.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
