he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
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