I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
