Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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