Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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