Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
