I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Randomize
