I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
We need a shit load of segways right now
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
