I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Blood and glitter go together right?
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Randomize
