Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
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