why didn't you poke me back
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
