I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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