why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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