woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Randomize
