If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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