in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
The gay bar tender told me I looked like Prince William. And that I needed my balls licked.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
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