Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
that is very illegal...i love you.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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