Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
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