I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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