Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
