I hate all girls vehemently.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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