got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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