i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize