Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
