I'm going to jail i love you
grandma shit on top of the toilet
you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
