He had one of those small greek statue penises
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
