I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Well, I convinced myself I had a sixth toe and then I ripped it off. So I PRAY you're doing better than me.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
I supernannyed him into submission
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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