His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
The guatemalans kept making all these sexual suggestions ... With the corn
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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