Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My professor is wearing skinny jeans, orange socks and just said penetration. I don't know what to think
Randomize
