got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
