My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize