im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
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