My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
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