i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Randomize