Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
Randomize
