12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
