If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Randomize
