i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
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