She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
It's 3 am. Nothing I've tried can get the taste of failure and vomit out of my mouth.
Randomize
