how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
