I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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