Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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