peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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