my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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