Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
The convent might be a nice break from real life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
He shit in the fireplace
Randomize