i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
A girl limped into my class 15 minutes late wearing sunglasses, leggings, and a kiss me im irish shirt. She sat down and took her glasses off and im pretty sure she only had one eye's makeup still on. Someone had a great st pattys day.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
