Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
